A SOUL SURVIVOR OF BIG LOVE – WENDY BLANCHARD, M.S., CHHC

When a parent abandons a child, a child says to themselves, “I am to blame,” “I am not good enough.” “I am unworthy of love.” It becomes their affirmation, of sorts. The child develops traits that are made of self loathing, and lack of self love which are swimming in a sea of FEAR. The negative feelings and self talk are vibrational and become embedded in the child’s cellular structure, most times causing symptoms of dis-ease, and illness. “If I were lovable, my parent(s) would have stayed.” Even when another family member steps in to nurture the child, the message has already been sent to the child that they are insignificant and not worth it. Their actions, many times, are a cry for help…they become controlling and manipulative in an attempt to hold onto what they have left, always living in fear and waiting for the other shoe to drop. The child, many times, becomes a caregiver for the parent that is left, entering into a co-dependent relationship, and is forced to grow up before their time. When this behavior is left unattended, and when feelings are not talked about and acknowledged, they aim to be the center of the Universe…striving to not be forgotten, and when rewarded in this way, this too becomes a permanent unhealthy, and unrealistic behavior. Their Dopamine surges with this type of positive response to a negative behavior…their pleasure centers want constant reward, like that of an addict, and when the people in their lives fall short of filling that void, the void left by unattended and unprocessed feelings, they develop addictions and unhealthy behaviors. They scheme and plot to hold onto what they feel they must control in their comfort zone…FEAR, and they become adults that all too often are sad, depressed, anxious, lost, and somewhat dysfunctional. They seek out partners whom they can control, so they feel safe in knowing they are the ones with the “power,” and can control their every move and decision, and they don’t realize they have no power at all…It’s a dangerous and desperate mindset that follows them throughout their life.

When their adult relationships fall apart, they are unable to function on their own, due to lack of life/coping skills, and therefore, left in an overall unhealthy state of well being, too often using toxic substances, food, and toxic behaviors to numb their pain, and to cope. It’s the only familiar behavior they have as a compass…running away as they may have seen the absent parent do when stress became too much to handle. It’s a very dangerous ride to be on, and very difficult to stop and get off. They lack balance, and most times fall hard. This exact behavior is also an addiction…comfort…familiar. There is no sense of reality, only perception that has been ingrained from early childhood. This behavior is unacceptable in our society, is unhealthy for ones body, mind and soul, and these adults are left to fend for themselves in unchartered territory…navigating without the oars….floating along with no purpose or direction.

Feelings arise that trigger one at any given moment that can either cause them to act out in an unhealthy and dangerous manner, to themselves and/or others, or they retreat to a world where they live in darkness and quiet where they only have to exist day to day with the “self” they have become accustomed to…no need to change our behavior if the only one we interact with is ourselves in our perception of reality. They have no compass on how to process their feelings of abandonment, and this compounds the feelings of unworthiness from childhood, affecting body and mind on a cellular level…leaving a precious soul empty.

Even when real love comes along and is offered to one that has been so damaged, the fear is crippling for them to take any chances of being vulnerable…”If my parent left me, the one person who is supposed to love me unconditionally, why would I trust anyone else?” This is classic and very understandable. And…many times the adult is unaware of the cellular damage that has been caused, affecting their overall health, their moods, their thought to action processes, their irrational fears, and moves from one relationship to the next never being cognizant of their “dis-ease,” and always casting blame on their partners. As they drift on the “high sea” they continue to look for something in others that they will never find…they must look within themselves, and with great courage, find the source of their pain, and ask for help so that they may heal from the trauma suffered so long ago to live a full life which we all deserve.

It takes someone to come along that truly loves the soul of the person who has been damaged…and it’s usually a soul that has suffered the same trauma in losing a parent for any number of reasons (addiction, mental illness, not wanting to be a parent, divorce, death) early in childhood…perhaps a soul who has done a great deal of inner work and has mindfully changed their own behavior, one who has great empathy, one who is now capable of unconditional love.  The souls that come together are brought together by a Higher Source, God, the Universe, to heal together, and to walk the rest of the journey together as spiritual beings in human form…a match made in Heaven.

It is a gift we are given when we meet that one being that sees themselves in us, who has done the work, who can offer us a source of love and healing through their own experience, one who can guide us as we do our own soul work, and is willing to stay the course in the name of BIG LOVE. Sheila Pearl, MSW, CLC, Intimacy Specialist, The 4 Portals to BIG LOVE: Romancing Vulnerability to Create Masterful Connections, describes BIG LOVE this way, “It’s about opening to your deepest vulnerabilities… It’s about stepping into uncharted territories… It’s about a level and depth of self-love and self-acceptance that is a game changer for you, for the people in your life that matter, and for your purpose for being here at this time, in your current human form.  Remember: you’re a spiritual being having a human experience. BIG LOVE is your experience of living your life full out. Seeing FEAR as your ANGEL.”

The gift in the challenge of acknowledging our fear of confronting our trauma, our sadness, our loss, and changing our mindset, our thoughts and our actions, of becoming mindful of how our traumatic experiences have shaped our life, of coming from a place of love, not fear, and being willing to go within to do the work to change the path that was paved for us early in life..IS BIG LOVE…THE ULTIMATE GIFT. Now we do have the power…to create change and to manifest our desires with a healthy body, mind and soul.

In my experience, it took me my entire lifetime to look within to face my fear and trauma suffered, and to come from a place of self love and compassion, completely sober. My journey has been nothing short of a spiritual awakening. The last 3 1/2 years I’ve exercised a great amount of diligence and determination in exploration of who I am, and working on myself to bring out the best of me for myself, and for my loved ones. I have learned to practice great compassion, I have learned patience and surrendering to my past and learning how to navigate my present to avoid any unhealthy behaviors and patterns, how to take care of myself, to believe that God has it all under control, to live in a positive mindset no matter the circumstances as this affects the outcome..positivity breeds positivity, and to always be grateful. Most importantly, I’ve learned that giving away what you learn and what you experience, is the greatest gift you can offer another human being. I have been successful in going from the student to the teacher, yet always the student, and continue on my journey with a purpose…broadening my search for answers to questions left unanswered as this is empowering….ever learning and growing, and sharing my story of recovery…sharing the answers that I find, and my story of BIG LOVE.

Wishing you harmonious health 4 life!

Love and blessings,

Wendy

A HEARTFELT “THANK YOU” TO SHEILA PEARL, WHO HAS LED ME ON A JOURNEY OF EXPLORATION THAT LED ME TO DISCOVER MY OWN COURAGE, AND HELPED ME TO BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO DIG DEEP, DO THE WORK, AND FIND, “BIG LOVE.” THANK YOU FOR BEING MY TEACHER, MY MENTOR, MY “SOUL” MOTHER, MY FRIEND. I LOVE YOU.

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